I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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