We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
