I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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