It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
Randomize
