I feel like I'm in dance class right now
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Randomize
