My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
