Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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