I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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