I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
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