I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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