Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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