Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
Randomize
