My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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