People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
