I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
there was a trapeze. enough said
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Randomize
