she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
i think my cat just said my name.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
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