So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
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