I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
