Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
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