she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
Randomize
