You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
