Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
