Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
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