I'm drive I can fine osifer
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
