At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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