walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
