The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Randomize
