i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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