i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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