so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
