did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
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