If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
