You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
