I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Randomize
