Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
Randomize
