yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
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