im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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