The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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