I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Randomize
