I've blown a few things in my day
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
