I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
