I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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