Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
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