i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
