I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
