I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
