i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
