I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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