what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I think a kid would responsible me up
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
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