Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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